A very long day with very little sleep. You were up all through the night and then up all through the day. Something in me snapped in the afternoon - a week's worth of missed sleep, headaches, growth spurts, and teething woes surrounded me with a heavy fog. I felt incapable of thinking, feeling - of doing anything at all, really. This last month has been the hardest we've had, I think, since you were a tiny newborn. I've found myself overwhelmed and pushed to see qualities in myself that I shrink from acknowledging, but have been there all along. Motherhood will do that to you. It will hold those darkest aspects of yourself up to the light. I never knew how selfish I was until I held in my arms a screaming and helpless infant who needed me to give out of my empty self one more time. It is good, but oh is it hard. My darling Charlotte, your presence in my life has taught me that there is always more to give. When I am drained past the last drop the Lord provides. What more could I ever want?

March 1, 2015


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